Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
