So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
