You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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