I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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