Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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