I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
