I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize