just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Randomize
