Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
