A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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