i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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