I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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