I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
