I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
