i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
