i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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