i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
