You're my little dorito
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
