Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
honey bunches of taint.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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