I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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