I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
