the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
