The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
