My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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