absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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