i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
