I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize