it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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