hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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