I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
