did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
