the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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