Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
