Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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