I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
