I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
