have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
