nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
