I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
