i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
