i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
