I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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