someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
