would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
