How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
