she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
