I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
