Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize