Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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