Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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