It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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