At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
did you just send me my own nude
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
