i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Too much gin, very little bucket
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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