The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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