Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
