We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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