Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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