Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
