It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
