Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
